Reflecting on my life I would sum it up as a blurred mess of drunken debauchery. When I was a young boy I was quite fond of my Mother but as I grew
older and her diatribe grew stronger perhaps I lost that deep respect all children are instilled with at a young age. This led to many positive and
perhaps negative things in my life, including intercourse with a being from out of this world.
I suppose the story begins around my 15th birthday where my Mother had slapped me upside the head for not taking the garbage out forgetting that 15
years prior she had squeezed that same noggin out of her loins. Quite traumatic for a young lad, if I do say myself.
A month had gone by and I deeply questioned my relationships with women. The girls of my school had always thought of me as the nice friend who would
listen to them during times of woe. “My boyfriend did this..” and, “He never says that…” blah, blah, blah, throwing my shoulder around for someone
to cry on.
It was during that time that I cut off the exhausting relationships of my female cohorts and spent more time with the boys of Babcock High. It seems I
had become quite a joke in the school. “He ought to just cut his nuts off and wear a dress.” some of the kids had been saying behind my back. Seems
when you tag around with women all the time people believe you become one.
Paul Christopher Peters grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and held his fist above my head. “You know Lizzy broke up with me because of you.” He
She broke up with because you… I wanted to say, but then stopped. I was still trained by women. I wanted to defend Lizzy without even
thinking about my current situation.
Paul lowered his fist and pushed me aside. “So you wanna be a normal dude now eh?” His eyes squinted and the rest of the crowd stared me down
spaghetti western style.
“You better go get your weiner wanked or none of us gonna think any differently of you.”
I knew my vindication lay far outside the walls of our learned establishment. And in that revelation I decided to skip the rest of school that day. I
spent a good hour smoking Marboro’s outside the rec center with kids I never knew existed. Another ten minutes looking for someone my brother’s age to
bootleg me beer. And finally, I ended up in the library.
Of all the places to lose your virginity I figured the library was a good spot. Once I looked around inside though, my mind changed drastically. While
reading a copy of Fun with Dick and Jane behind a stack of literary works my fear of rejection shook the pages.
The librarian at the center desk was an older woman, about seven years my senior. Sally Walters, single university student who live on her own with a
pet rabbit named “Jumpy”. When I walked past her leaving the library, after my failed attempt at finding a partner, she smiled. I winked.
What kind of idiot winks?
No matter… She was interested. Our little session of flirting and toying continued over the course of two weeks. Eventually I brought a dozen roses
to her on day she felt neglected. Probably wasn’t the smartest maneuver given that I just had one objective in mind, but it worked out well once she
called me over later that evening.
My virginity was lost with “Jumpy” jumping on my stomach while my legs cramped after sticking my reproductive organ into its intended destination. It
wasn’t the greatest experience and by far wasn’t the worst. But I do recommend to others to cage their rabbits while engaged in sexual acts.
The crowd was quite pleased back in the great halls of education. That was the beginning of my new life.
Nine years later
My Mother and I had grown quite distant. In fact, I was distant with just about everyone besides my friend Chuck, who only served me as wingman on
Wednesdays and Saturdays, (those two days being the only nights his wife let him out).
During this time my life consisted of Jack Daniels, Pizza, Prostitutes and College Students who hung out at Bobby Plats bar on weekends. I don’t
remember being up before the afternoon, and I’m not sure if I accomplished anything other than making videos I would never be able to show anyone. My
life had spiraled down a one-track, goal oriented lust for the opposite sex.
I remember being damn picky in the beginning but things changed. Instead, I had become the Uncle who loved to eat every type of food at the table (my
food not being food, but women). Different shapes and sizes, races and religions. Good ones and bad ones. Tattoos and piercings or nothing at all. It
was an adventure. And a challenge! The favorites of course being the ones who proclaim wholesomeness but you can see the adulterous appetite beneath
their eyes. They are terrible at hiding it.
It was in this exploration for something new, something untouched, which led me to relations with a woman not from this planet. I knew an Asian man
who people just referred to as “Smiley” -as he always had a serious tone about him. He often supplied escorts to me in my drunken stupors, nights I
had gone home single from the bar. One day he asked me, “Why you no happy?”
I explained with a drawn out rant of how all women were the same. They look different, but once you have had so many, you start to notice similarities
in their physical traits. Big, small, short, fat: It seems like endless variety at first but eventually it becomes that same cup of coffee you’ve been
drinking for over a decade.
He looked at me seriously (as he always does) and asked, “You want someone ah-most nobody ever have?”
It cost me three months salary and ten signatures on documents I never read. Military types blindfolded, threw me into a trunk and drove me down a
road so bumpy I thought I’d be black and blue by the time I arrived to my destination. Where I ended up, I’m not even sure. Long concrete corridors
and a rumbling in the background is all I remember.
I personally referred to my guide as Major Dick. On the account that he was a major dick.
He walked me through the instillation holding the belt loops on my pants. Not the best service given how much I had to pay. But I suppose I wasn’t
supposed to be there in the first place, and for that he resented me.
Eventually he threw me into a cold room with a single bed and study desk, illuminated by a cheap reading lamp. On the bed covered in white linen lay a
heavenly body. The hue of her skin seemed to shimmer in all shades of the rainbow. Her hair was a deep shade of green and invited me closer, like a
meadow in the spring.
Her touch at first was soft, but she grew aggressive. I was thrown onto the bed with force. The next few minutes I will always try to erase from
memory no matter the futility. I would like to say my encounter was consensual as indeed, I did go there for one purpose. However, I was not expecting
such violent intergalactic desires.
I will forever remember the woman from Alpha Centuri for the scars she left on my psyche. And of course, from that day forward and to the end of time,
I would appreciate Earth women so much more than I had in my younger years.
Another entry for the Contact Writing Contest. Flag it if you like it.
This one has been a great opportunity for absurdity in writing.