A complete look at why the Minions are Illuminati

America embroiled in controversy right now. People from each side, yelling and screaming and fighting with no end in sight. There is no happiness that comes from it, only the glimpse of hope that you are in the right on the issue, that your emotions have come from sound and grounded logic and not rash assumptions.

This is what the Minions have done to us.

I have never been a hater, nor a supporter, of Minions. Despicable Me was a pretty good movie. Despicable Me 2 was alright. The Minions were moderately funny, though I never would have imagined that their takeover would be so imminent and overarching, spanning across all socioeconomic and generational groups. Everybody has an opinion on Minions, which is not something that is to be taken lightly. Everybody has an opinion on religion, everybody has a religion on politics, everybody has an opinion on Kanye West and now, everybody has plenty of thoughts on Minions.

And, at the forefront of the Minion thought movement, is ya boy, and I will be addressing the hottest topics surrounding these creatures:

Why did Minions become the posterchild for Facebook memes?

Adults have taken over Facebook completely. It is their first experience to social media, and they are in love. The majority, unless they were in college or just weird as hell, didn’t have Myspace and thus missed out on much of the social norms that came along with the first foray into an online networking site. Facebook is instead their Myspace, and that’s why they still think it’s okay to be weirdly emotional in their updates and to comment on every picture and to do random surveys and post the answers like they think everybody cares. I am not joking at all when I say that I saw a 40-something year-old dad say “picture comment for picture comment?” once. They’re one step away from adding “hearts” to everything and using the :] smiley face.

Anyways, adults love minions, adults love memes, adults love Facebook. It’s basic algebra.

Are Minions Illuminati?

I’M SO GLAD THAT YOU ASKED!

MINIONS ARE FOR SURE ILLUMINATI. THERE ARE CONCRETE, SOLID FACTS THAT PROVE THEIR INVOLVEMENT IN A PLAN FOR A NEW WORLD ORDER.

FACT 1:

MINIONS ARE IMMORTAL. THEY. CANNOT. DIE. NO MATTER WHAT. EVER.

In the movie, there are several times where a Minion should have been maimed, mortally wounded, splattered, exploded and beheaded (Can they lose their heads? Probably not. Illuminati) but they just kept on rolling like nothing ever happened. Oh, and they always kill their master, a plot point that is referenced often. They can’t die and always “accidentally” kill the person in charge, how is that not terrifying?

FACT 2:

THE MINIONS MOVIE IS PRODUCED BY ILLUMINATE ENTERTAINMENT.

A little too on the nose, don’t you think?

FACT 3:

THEY ARE LITERALLY CALLED MINIONS.

Like, Minions of the Dark Lord? C’mon. Wake up America.

FACT 4:

THE. ALL. SEEING. EYE.

Sure, some of them have two, but isn’t that more scary? Two all-seeing eyes? That’s some devil-ass stuff right there.

Last question, is it a good movie?

Yeah it’s not bad, a few laughs here and there and good for the whole family.

***

There is, however, a worse problem plaguing America today, but it is one that we are thankfully aware of. Pizza Hut, the second-least worst chain to get pizza from, has released a monstrosity known as the Hot Dog Pizza, and if you know me, then you would think that I would be its number one champion and defender.

You are wrong, and you are an idiot. This pizza is terrible. None of it was good. Not at any point of me consuming it was I enjoying myself. It was all misery, the whole time. The only time I felt any sort of somewhat positive reaction to eating it was when the hot dog would fall out of the breading because I would rather eat the two-weeks-out-of-a-can-Vienna-sausage-looking mini-hot dog by itself than with that terrible and miserable dough.

It literally took life out of me. I was sweating and breathing heavy as I struggled to put it down, and this is coming from the man who once at a pizza made out of Taco Bell XXXL Steak Nachos, Chubby’s barbecue chicken stripes, french fries, mozzarella sticks, pepperoni and bacon. I have hilariously low standards, and this couldn’t even achieve that. You should be ashamed, Pizza Hut. Utterly ashamed.

Other thoughts that aren’t long enough to be expanded into full paragraphs:

Would you rather have your 40-time be your GPA, or your GPA be your 40-time?

Listen to The Internet’s new album Ego Trip and Miguel’s new album Wildheart. Thank me later.

Watch Seven Days in Hell if you haven’t yet. It’s absolutely hilarious and yes, you will see a few male genitals, but hey, women always are naked in HBO specials so its nice to change things up a bit. Andy Samberg does a great job playing the tennis version of Will Ferrell’s Chazz Michael Michaels, but Kit Harrington as the dim-witted British wunderkind is the star of the show. His facial reactions range from incredulous to utterly confused, and it’s wonderful.

F**** Pizza Hut.

Lil B Tweet of the Week:

http://www.fsunews.com/story/opinion/2015/07/15/minons-illuminati/30186851/

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